Precisely what does a premier or Bottom seem like in Queer Sex?

Queer women can be usually down seriously to truly enter into it about what we *mean* as soon as we mention
‘topping’ or ‘bottoming’
— so might be we! Which explains why we did
a complete thorough study
of y’all on the topic a few in years past, carrying out the evaluation about what y’all mean whenever you speak about
surfaces
,
bottoms
,
switches
, and
much more
. Bear in mind appears to be your situation with us, though, it felt like there is even more to procedure here. It doesn’t matter what much survey data we collect, it really is hard to find the way that these tactics play in our genuine everyday lives, as well as how two people using the same terms on their own might embody all of them extremely in different ways. It felt like the only method to truly check out how that takes on down would be to, you know, consult with both — so discover a number of talks among like staffers trying to get on base of exactly what queer intimate characteristics mean within actual life. Finally time we spoken of
what our different intimate identities “mean”
!

This conversation was actually around examining the question of:

What do we feel all of our intimate IDs “mean” about united states as “people”, our personalities or psychological landscapes if we ID a certain method? Would they’ve got overlaps with the sense of self outside of sleep, or no? Do we tend to assume this about other individuals (that a romantic date can be a bottom if they are coy, or a high if they pay for products)? Can we see others presuming these items about united states (or projecting all of them onto you)? Carry out these items appear to be cultural shorthands, of course, if so are they annoying or useful? Or would they reach genuine ways in which the intimate dynamics tend to be organic expressions of other areas of one’s personhood?

---

Malic:

I have had folks believe that i am a premier because i am masc and I also’ve had men and women assume that i am a base because i am literally tiny. This frustrates me to no conclusion, therefore I you should not presume how others determine their particular intimate roles. Claiming an identity phrase like “leading” or “change” seems excessively simplified, but occasionally those terms assist create talks about sex with others i am internet dating. Intimate identification terms currently especially useful when a partner feels uncomfortable about obtaining “excess” satisfaction (wooow, patriarchy features truly done a number on united states) and I can assure them by saying, “bear in mind, I’m a leading!” (for example. “Everyone loves doing this to you personally! It is my thing! Giving you pleasure gives me personally enjoyment! Lay as well as go!”).

Rachel:

Ugh Malic that’s so shitty when anyone presume anything about you as you centered on your exact physical body!

Malic:

If I could prefer to get taller, I would (generally and so I could match menswear). But this is what i have got!

Rachel:

I seriously do not presume or guess anything according to additional signifiers for the people exact same reasons above, also because in my opinion it would possibly get essentialist in odd methods speedy (as an example, i will be often labeled or thought by brand new associates to be a “femme top,” or sought out by people mostly attracted to femme surfaces, that is very unconventional in my opinion as I haven’t ever ID’d since femme in virtually any message board, i simply have… long-hair?). But I believe ambivalent, as it also feels good & attractive for me as thought (properly) as a high; I don’t think people in general should be attempting to pigeonhole BUT it does feel well (in my experience) in order to get found precisely, because it generates me personally feel hot & affirmed within my top-ness but also given that it feels as though i have already been “effective” in some way when making essential areas of myself personally readable — or higher accurately, i assume that folks I connect with are witnessing me properly.

That we guess is a lot like queerness overall – there is option to “look” queer or straight and now we probably should not you will need to guess, additionally it seems fantastic while I get successfully browse as queer by different queers and bad as I have read as right.

Shelli:

Exactly what relates to me personally many when thinking about the assumptions that people have beside me during intercourse, is because I’m very female they believe that my goal is to end up being submissive – which once we discussed
final time
, I was prior to now for particular women. In years past (less anymore, which hopefully implies folks are discovering) they thought caused by my personal size, all of us 14-16, that I’m literally physically incapable of being really energetic during intercourse.

I’m most likely more versatile, effective and lively than a number of the smallest folks i am aware about fucking. If I’m sweaty and breathy while having sex this means i am having a lot of fun; this has nothing at all to do with my size.

I’ve also experienced some women — which consists of non-black POC ladies — who are wanting some sort of exoticism because i am black colored. Considering immediately your sex can be wild and crazy or that I’m going to strap them predicated on this extremely sexualized form of black colored women that they have developed inside their minds and probably seen on movie and TV.

Vanessa:

I do believe once I discovered I’m actually a base, a lot of things clicked into spot. Its stereotypical to think anyone wants what they like during intercourse for the reason that appearances or assumptions, definitely, but researching MYSELF just how the things I like during intercourse correlates to how I in the morning for the rest of living ended up being a really fun revelation!

And allowed us to be much more singing and truthful with dates; i am remembering one particular tinder go out from a long time ago whom I was thinking was a premier from the way they were flirting with me, but I found myselfn’t 100per cent yes. They existed kind of far away therefore positively would definitely end up being a commitment to produce a romantic date observe them, and I was actually putting off inquiring should they were a top because I found myself just a little shy, then again my personal closest friend was actually just like “babe, this really is maybe not worth the fuel to create this upwards if they are perhaps not going to should shag how you wish shag,” and this ended up being extremely clarifying! I’m by no means saying that all clothes tend to be compatible with all bottoms, that two bottoms can’t have an extremely nice time together, etc etc, but i’m proclaiming that when we’re internet dating i do believe we often decide to try so hard to force something when it’s simply not going to happen, and being in a position to determine previously if the possibility intimate compatibility could there be happens to be ideal for myself when making sincere naughty associations with folks.

I do want to second Shelli that I think plenty of assumptions were made about myself before re: how versatile or active i will be considering my body weight (I’m a small-to-medium excess fat individual) but I’ve primarily fixed that by merely drilling other fat people now and it RULES.

In addition look for most delight within leaning into my bottom identification in the same way it’s fun to slim into my dyke identity, my queer identification, etc. It feels like another playground that people all arrive at play in, and tease one another, and extremely get comfortable for the reason that isn’t handy for straight folks, and that I that way. Such as my gf and I always joke that because i am a Capricorn bottom I really like becoming the #1 student, instructor’s dog, etc and because she actually is a Capricorn leading she loves to function as the instructor. Do-all Capricorn tops/bottoms believe? Perhaps not? But actually appears like…yes? And that is a fun joke to help make about ourselves, and a way to get a hold of lightness and play in sex and desire. I’m not sure I’m 100percent answering issue right here but that is how I believe!

Rachel:

I do believe there’s something to that particular Vanessa without a doubt! Throughout a playful method and a serious means – like obviously it’s FUN and amusing to joke relating to this with each other, and intercourse is supposed become enjoyable! I really like having vocabulary for sex and in addition like when it doesn’t always have to feel hefty, and I also have actually room within labels to joke regarding it. therefore feels like a trust-building close thing with a sexual lover to tease one another about being a premier or a bottom or whatever (might additionally be hot, and flirting!). In addition however, I get hung up a little thereon thing of similar “she is a capricorn so she is a high, and I’m a Capricorn so i’m a bottom!” I always explore this with someone I was online dating and whom I became nearly the same as – I was like ‘personally i think like it’s normal in my situation to top because i am these a control nut’ in addition they will be like ‘Right, in addition it seems natural for me personally to want to bottom and let go because I’m these types of a control nut!’ Like what makes that huge difference??

Malic:

These astrology/ sex role jokes are profoundly relatable. As an Aries leading, we bang to win.

Vanessa:

“I screw to win” oh my personal GOSH Malic revealing by using my personal Aries bff straight away. Rachel I believe among the hottest things about power dynamics in sex — which i think is exactly what the top/bottom/switch parts tend to be about, and that we believe leads very quickly to kink material that I failed to even go into (also does not always have to guide to kink! it is a portal!) — could be the way that comparable personality attributes can result in planning to screw in very different methods considering different individuality traits / trauma / knowledge / history / interest / etc

Malic:

I became attempting to developed some thing about different character traits colliding, and Vanessa only nailed it.

Shelli:

I’m a two fold Taurus with a climbing in Pisces and idk just how that plays into my personal identity but I recognize all messages from the Astro queers in my DM’s telling me the way it really does (I am not joking – @AyoShelli on IG)

Vanessa:

And that I would also like to look into just what Rachel mentioned towards effectiveness having LANGUAGE to speak about whatever you like even when we’re not certain why we adore it. To tackle the kinkier element of my identification somewhat, In my opinion this really is important to keep in mind that communication in a world is vital, if in case we do not know how to talk about whatever you fancy and what we’re into and what our very own limits are next we are in fact performing a disservice to ourselves and our very own play partners and probably not really getting safe. I’m somewhat timid to state a lot more but does that produce feeling?

Wow tysm Malic

Rachel:

Omg Malic… I’m in admiration